The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
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Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Hmm, not sure about this change
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Guys, I found it.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.