Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
You Might Also Like
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.