“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
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Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.