jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
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I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
This hospital has everything
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?