If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
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“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
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I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
😅🤣😂
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)