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I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Good morning y’all ☀️
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography