Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
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I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”