[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
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Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again