Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
You Might Also Like
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again