[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
You Might Also Like
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.