Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
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[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009: