Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
You Might Also Like
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Investing in beetcoin
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
why I oughta
Air pods looking like an angry frog
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.