A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
You Might Also Like
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.