COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
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Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again