When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
You Might Also Like
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Every. Damn. Time.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”