Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
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Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.