She was rare, like a goth jogging
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An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE