When I snag the last meatball.
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PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
yes yes a thousand times yes!