[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
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Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.