Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
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“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.