If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
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[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.