judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
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Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
The government even made aliens boring
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”