A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
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Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*