Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
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Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
i wish we could shoplift online
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.