Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
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God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
My wedding will be open casket.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.