Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
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“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
buys donuts instead
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that