me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
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I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
bad news gang
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night