What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
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Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
bought wrong eggs
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”