Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
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Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
good let them take over I have had enough
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
No, I don’t think I will.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay