Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
You Might Also Like
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible