‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
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If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
why isn’t he texting back
U talkin 2 me?
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex