[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
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I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Mad Max Arctic Road
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.