*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
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My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?