People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
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my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Favourite diary entry ever
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation