[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
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Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Owl Sanctuary
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.