If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
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I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.