I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
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One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?