The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
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All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Flock of bats
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that