A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
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Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.