My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
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[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony