Google assistant rules
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My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.