Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
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cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Good morning y’all ☀️
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.