Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
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Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.