*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
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My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla