Cats are still liquid.
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hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.