All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
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I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
At least try to make it slightly believable
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.