A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
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DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb