Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
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Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?