There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
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My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*