Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
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[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
*limbos under the caution tape
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there